We all hear the same cliche stories. A young woman meets a man in the military and finds her "Officer and a Gentleman" fairy tale. They will get married, have a couple kids, and be happily ever after. At least that's what people used to think. A man ( or woman) in uniform has to be an honorable one. They would never do anything to hurt you.
Imagine you are a woman who has lived this exact tale. She married the man of her would-be dreams and has children. One day he has the opportunity of a lifetime to go to Germany for the last stint of his career. Do something bigger and better "for the family". She happily sacrifices her job, they sell their home, they do everything to move themselves AND their possessions to the new duty station in Germany. Wow, that's quite the trip and a bit of culture shock I can imagine.
A year goes by and the wife is unable to find employment. Visas alone cause conflict because they often are not given the right ones to do everything they need to. The man of her dreams one day decides he wants a divorce and kicks her out of the house. Not without her children though! Where do they go? Where do they turn? Who do they talk to? They are now left homeless in a foreign country with not a penny in their pocket. The solution is not as simple as it sounds.
They go to command for the Army and they are sent home, right? Wrong. Procedures and policies exist to even begin that sort of process. The woman finds a friend she can temporarily stay with but still no money for food or diapers or anything else necessary, even for hygiene purposes. Are you angry yet?
Let's break this down. Overseas PCS (Point Change of Station) usually has a pretty detailed process. Families who are established have a limit of how much can be shipped overseas. The service might even pay for storage temporarily while your items are gradually shipped over. If there is more than one car, well sorry but you can only take one. You have to choose- His or Hers? Well, I don't see the semantics as relevant to the bigger picture, but I felt the need to clarify a little to make more sense to the bigger picture. Make sure to have your passports and visas- research appropriately because getting the wrong documentation can set up a failure in the making.
So, here it goes. The breakdown of the marriage occurs, does this kind of kicking one out of the home constitute abuse? Not on the face simply because people break up all the time. However, let's get this right here. Children are involved here and the service member was never home due to "the needs of the service". They are stranded, alone, and penniless in a foreign country, likely only with a bag of items and the clothes on their backs. Arguments ensue, harsh words exchanged, command contacted and suddenly you have a pissed of Corpsman for even bringing personal matters into their job.
The sad part is that the Army Corpsman has a familial support obligation they have to meet. According to AR-608-99, that amount can be pretty significant when children are involved and as I previously shared in a prior post, this regulation actually sets out the calculations and what amounts are to be distributed to the spouse should they separate. Fairly simply you would think. Well now emotions run high, at least a week or two has now passed and the wife and children are still stranded trying to figure out how to "go home". Family has willfully open their doors if they can just get on a plane and make it there.
You ultimately have only two options, both of which will break the bank one way or another. Your options are to contact the command and demand emergency travel to your destination. The other option is to contact the Embassy in Berlin and request immediate hardship passports to send you home with emergency travel based on grounds of abandonment, of which you will be given a 1 year ONE WAY passport and a plane ticket. All of which you will have to pay back to Department of State before you will ever get a reissued passport. Through this option, you should anticipate at least $2500 per person if not more for such a last minute arrangement. Imagine you are now indebted to the US Government for nearly $10,000 because a spouse decided to kick you and the children out all for the sake of wanting a divorce. Congratulations, you just acquired a re-patriation loan that you have to pay back, and only if all efforts can be proven to have reached out to family to help with offsetting costs to help get home.
The other option that many don't know about is a little thing called a Military Emergency Fund; each branch has their own. The problem here is the Active Duty Service Member is the one that has to apply for it. Good luck getting them to do that because then it will come out of their paychecks for months to come.
Long process and very emotional because the "service member" usually has to "okay it" when children are involved. In the process, emotions will run high and abusive texts or e-mails might even begin to be received. After all, both parents have fundamental rights to their children right? Absolutely. But this is where it gets ugly for the appropriate reasons. You just don't leave the children high and dry all because you no longer want to be married to your long time partner as you begin to near your retirement age. Oh wait, oh No...you don't want to share that! You want to avoid the 20/20/20 years breakdown if the marriage is in dire straits.
These are unique circumstances, not the rule, but the exception. The problem I have with situations like these is they are becoming more common as time passes. Why is this happening though? The common consensus among military spouses is that the spouses are not being held accountable to their obligations in a timely manner. If they fear no consequence, they have no motivation to do "the right thing". It does become a naturally abusive situation.
You wanted the divorce. Now your spouse and children are stateside. Neither of you can file for divorce now because now each of you is subject to a residential jurisdiction waiting period. Check out your county and state to find out what the time period is. The time periods can vary but usually it can be 6 months or even a year of separation before you can file and that is because you need to actually have lived in that county for a longer period of time to establish residency just to even qualify to file for divorce. You have children though, right? Why did you so callously force them back home? Now you want things to work right. Oh NOW you want to be a parent to your kids because someone probably told you that you will likely lose most of your check to spousal and child support? No coincidence there. This makes you a greedy, narcissistic asshat. Yes I said it. That makes you an asshat.
Military Spouses are a unique breed. This is not to be mistaken as a generalization because not all spouses will fall into this category, but most of them will. They sacrifice more than just their time and attention. They sacrifice their livelihoods, their occupations, they often end up staying home to raise children thinking they are simply "doing their part". When you leave a military spouse high and dry with no provisions for themselves or your children, you engrain yourself with conflict that could have been prevented had you simply paid attention to this very fact. Military Spouses are under appreciated and often abused in the most unlikely ways. Financial Abuse and Verbal Abuse are the two most common ways. Psychological control over finances and the home setting become a war at home.
A service member knows their job comes with perks, but the important part we should be stressing is that being a service member also comes with its obligations. Not all service members currently in the service should actually be in the service. Not everyone understands the honor it holds to place that yellow ribbon on the tree or in their hair. That yellow ribbon represents sacrifice in waiting. Think about that the next time you look to a military spouse. Appreciate them. They gave their life to you with an understanding things would be okay. That yellow ribbon means something. Don't forget that.
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